It’s an ordinary day at the Citizenship Traditional School...
Mr Chips: You have done admirably well, Ranesh, on the
rivers, the animals, the flowers and the Prime Minister. Now turn to
the next question. What do we call the heads of state governments?
Ranesh: Dickheads, sir, at least that’s what all my mates at work call them.
Mr Chips: Nothing your mates might say surprises me, Ranesh.
But the correct title is premiers. Remember it. Next, tell me where did
the first European settlers to Australia come from?
Ranesh: Well, I suppose most of them came from England. But can we be sure that some of them did not really come from Ireland?
Mr Chips:
You are always splitting hairs, Ranesh. They came from England. Where
did they come from? England. Remember the answer. Next question: which
is the most popular sport in Australia — cricket, table tennis, water
polo or ice hockey.
Ranesh: It’s got to be out of table
tennis and cricket, Sir. ln my brother’s school everybody plays table
tennis and hardly anybody plays cricket. Same with my friends. So table
tennis must be the most popular.
Mr Chips: Nonsense,
Ranesh. Only nerds play table tennis. Popular means what sponsors pay
big money for on television. The correct answer is cricket.
Ranesh:
But is that what popular really means, Sir? If this is a test for
citizenship, shouldn’t they encourage us to use English accurately?
Mr Chips:
Don’t be insolent, Ranesh. Your previous schools have made you think
too much. This is a traditional school and insists that you give right
answers, not ask questions. Now concentrate on the next questions about
values. Tell me which of these are Australian values? Men and women are
equal, a fair go, mateship, or all of them?
Ranesh: I
don’t think a fair go can be an Australian value, Sir. They dumped my
Uncle Vinu on Nauru. And Workchoices certainly isn’t fair. And in the
streets people seem scared of one another — they only behave like mates
when they’re drunk. So mateship can’t be an Australian value. So the
Australian value must be that men and women are equal. But …
Mr Chips: Ranesh, I told you to concentrate, not to think. They are all Australian values. The Government has said so, and that’s that.
Ranesh:
But isn’t truth an Australian value? Our granny told us never to give
untrue answers to Australian officials. And can they really be
Australian values if the Government doesn’t pay any attention to them …
OK, sorry sir, I’ll try not to