Very few in Australia can have escaped harrowing exposure to two family tragedies during the past month. The abandonment of a little child in Melbourne took a tragic turn with the discovery of her young mother's body in the boot of her father's car in New Zealand. Now a father in rural Victoria has been convicted of drowning his three small boys by driving them into a dam on Father's Day. The boys were in their father's care during an access visit, following an acrimonious marital separation. Mothers and grandmothers in deep mourning have since been exposed to unrelenting public scrutiny. It often seems that a woman's private pain only becomes public when it is too late to keep her family safe.
Women grieve deeply the loss of female victims to family violence. Indeed, for many, each news report of yet another episode of family violence means a painful revisiting of trauma, sadness and loss. Female friends of victims of intimate partner homicide are especially affected. For these women, such reports mean an agonised re-working of enormous frustration and regret at having been unable to protect one of their own.
Five women friends of a deceased victim of intimate partner homicide recently joined with me to explore the profound personal experience of change since the loss of their friend. These women have courageously explored how they think and feel differently now about partnerships, parenting, gender, power and violence.
One woman described having become hyper-vigilant to inappropriate levels of control or domineering behaviours on the part of males. She remarked: 'I've changed … at social events, even if I haven't known the woman, I'm right on to it. If I have to say "do you want to talk?" I do. I say "that way he spoke to you … are you ok?". I say "there's number you can ring". I weigh every word now and look at the meaning.'
Four of the five women in this group are parents. They have re-examined their roles and thought deeply about how children come to understand issues of gender and power as a result of their socialisation within the home.
One mother of a teenager described her feelings as her daughter embarked on her first heterosexual relationship. At the time of the murder, her daughter, then aged 12, had said she would never have boyfriend. When the daughter's friends developed relationships she was clearly