I remember it clearly. I'm trying to talk to a male friend about why his actions were hurtful and offensive. He shushes and hugs me. When I tell him to let go, he just holds on tighter. 'Calm down,' he tells me. Unable to break free, I start to cry with frustration. Why isn't he just listening to me? All the while, he's laughing. This is one of my first memories of being tone policed.
Tone policing describes when someone from a minority group expresses thoughts on oppression, but a person dismisses the content of their opinion in favour of commenting on or policing how they said it. In essence, it's a way to divert conversations about topics that make people with privilege uncomfortable.
Anger in particular is tone policed. While men are encouraged to express their anger, albeit sometimes in unhealthy ways, women are socialised to feel like they can't be angry at all. Studies have shown we respond differently to men's anger than women's — women's anger is described as 'bitchy' or 'hostile' while men's anger is described as 'strong.'
The false dichotomy between emotion and logic often disadvantages women. Soraya Chemaly, author of Rage Becomes Her, says that 'the whole idea of feelings is disparaged, and it's often disparaged, frankly, because it's a feminine quality in our culture ... we're not supposed to express feelings because feelings are "illogical" but, in fact, they're really logical and rational.'
In public discourse, there is often the implicit accusation that angry women aren't rational. The history of 'hysteria' in women is long and ugly, and for women and femme people, the accusation of being 'hysterical' can shut them down.
You could see it happening in real time when in a 2016 QandA episode, Steve Price cut across Van Badham over and over again, and in response to her frustration said, 'I think you're just being a little hysterical.' As a diversionary tactic, it worked. Badham's very valid points were cut off and the news coverage the next day focused not on highlighting domestic violence, the topic being discussed, but the fact that Price called Badham hysterical.
This policing of anger is especially true for black women, who can also face this discrimination from other white feminists. For an example of the stereotype of the 'angry black woman' being used to belittle black women, you don't need to look much further than the reactions that Serena Williams received for