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AUSTRALIA

Best of 2013: Gillard's game of thrones

  • 16 January 2014

The place: Parliament House, Canberra

The Time: The Present

The Inhabitants: Soon to be History

Queen Julia struts into her office, blood dripping from her battle axe. Within, she is met by her aide-de-camp, diminutive Lord Tyrian Lannister.

Julia: Moving forward ...

Tyrian: Tell me you did not dispatch all of the rebels.

Julia: Would you have your queen consort with liars?

Tyrian: I wasn't aware there were other choices. And among these were some of your best and brightest. Lord Albo alone —

Julia: Oh of course I've kept Lord Albo. He emits the best of zingers.

Tyrian: And Lord Carr?

Lord Carr steps from behind the Queen's throne.

Lord Carr: I was grossly misrepresented.

Tyrian: And the Lad Butler?

Sitting beside Queen Julia the lad Butler shakes his head, quivering.

The Lad Butler: I love my queen with all of my heart. I cannot wait to see her win reelection.

Out of sight of the Queen, the Lad Butler mouths PLEASE. KILL ME.

Julia: See? All one happy family.

Tyrian: Milady, your people loathe you, and the court still comes for your head.

Julia: Who? Who dares come for my head?

The clang of steel on stone as a dagger slips from Lord Carr's pocket.

Lord Carr: So that's where that got to! Sorry, go on.

Julia: In point of fact I have put down two rebellions already.

Tyrian: Milady, what transpired last week was less a rebellion than a mass-immolation.

Julia: Did I not stand against enemy forces? Did I not prevail, unopposed?

Tyrian: Yes, because the Lord Rudd did not run against you. But even now, he stands alive outside your gates, doing an interview for the ABC.

Lord Carr: Indeed, milady, he has given me this note for you: 'Sorry about the trouble last week. No rebellions to come, promise. I'm sure the polls are wrong, I can't imagine you not winning the next election. KRudd 2016.'

Julia: See?

Tyrian: The point is not that Lord Rudd might come for you. The point is, you've won nothing. The people despise you.

Julia: The same people who condemned Lord Rudd for backing down on the ETS, and then opposed my carbon pricing? The ones who call me fiscally irresponsible, but are more than happy to take the money I've offered for education, mental health, disability and our endless natural disasters? Or the ones who claim my government is an embarrassment, and ignore the jobs and benefits they've kept throughout the GFC? Are those the people whose opinions you would have me trust?

Enter the

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