Being 'myself' doesn't work. Many people seem to have this fanciful idea that if only people could let go of their fear and insecurities and just be themselves, then everything would work out fine. Unfortunately I learned very early on that for me this was not the case.
Autism typically makes people less likely to care what others think. This is definitely true in my case. When I was younger my 'default' was to just do what I wanted, to 'be myself' if you will, and not be too disturbed by if others around me were doing the same thing or not.
If it isn't obvious already, I'll tell you what happens when I put this into action. I end up alone. I am the only one not dancing. I am the only one who wants to crank the metal music at 7am after a big night out. I'm the only one who wears a perhaps less fashionable yet extremely practical wide brim hat, or who uses a 30-minute lunch break to have a powernap.
So often, when I do what I want. I do it alone. My choice often comes down to: 'Do I be myself? Or do I be around others?'
Maybe you can imagine how isolating this choice is. I like people. I want to share my experiences just like everyone else, but the version of myself that is socially acceptable is a mere shadow of my true self.
The socially acceptable me is subdued, lethargic, uninterested. It takes so much effort for me to stay engaged or to speak about something which doesn't interest me. People are a burden. What do they want me to do now? 'Just dance,' they say. 'Do whatever you feel like.'
It's too late. I have already subdued my desires for the sake of company. I cannot resurrect a modified socially acceptable version on the spur of the moment.
To illustrate, I'll tell you a story about something that happened recently. I had planned to attend a professionally organised BBQ on the beach with a large group of backpackers. I was excited in anticipation of a fun day out. I love the beach and hadn't been in so long. I also love meeting new people, especially travellers because they are typically more open than most.
The day of the BBQ came and the forecast was for thunderstorms and rain. Pelting rain out my bedroom window confirmed this situation but