There is a curious world called LinkedIn, a social media site for people trying to nurture their careers. The problem with it is that the participants are expected to take themselves more seriously than they might in what we used to call real life. LinkedIn has a culture of self-importance that cracks me up every time. There is nothing quite as funny as utter humourlessness.
Years ago, there used to be gags about door-to-door salespeople who were always trying to sell something. Those jokes were staples of shows such as I Love Lucy where a stranger would not leave the house until they had sold the latest household gadget, not realising that nature abhors a vacuum clearer. Surely it is worse when strangers are trying to sell themselves. I noticed one modest young man describe himself on LinkedIn simply as ‘global leader.’
Before you venture into this scary world, you need to learn a new language called LinkedInglese. Allow me to equip you with enough phrases to get you through a working week.
Monday morning
Your boss asks you to go to Seven Eleven for a ream of copy paper for the printer, normally his job.
In translation this is: Excited to undertake new leadership role in logistics and acquisitions interfacing with major global corporation at local level to enhance communications within team building environment. Stepping up to take on new challenges in terms of supply as we restructure out of silos and build workplace partnerships for success. #succeedingatsuccess
Monday mid-morning
You ask your friends at work if they want to share a pot of tea to keep them going happily till lunch.
Translation: Benchmarking success in workplace consultation as best practice leadership for resilience and well-being using performance-based incentive showcasing excellence in rehydration. #teabagsforsuccess
'LinkedIn has a culture of self-importance that cracks me up every time. There is nothing quite as funny as utter humourlessness.'
Monday afternoon
Going for coffee.
Translation: Enhancing project focussed outcomes in caffeine friendly environment. #saucersforsuccess
Tuesday lunchtime
Your friend is applying for a job at an undertaker which will involve working on the hearse.
Translation: Passionate about driving results to closure. Prepared to dig deep to meet the market. #undertakingsucess
Tuesday after lunch
You need to apologise for farting in the office.
Translation: Actively realigning internal comms in terms of industry wide protocols and standards whilst multitasking to simultaneously challenge workplace culture in acceptance of alternative renewable energies such as wind. #nogutsnogas
All day Wednesday
You are doing CPR training.
Translation: Breathing new life into