Hi Leunig,
So, I saw that cartoon you made about me. You know the one. There's a mum looking at her phone and she doesn't realise her baby's fallen on the ground and it comes with this twee poem about how the baby wishes his mother loved him more.
This is awkward. I remember that day well. I'd spent all morning conscientiously singing, reading, rocking and cooing. I breastfed and bathed and walked around the house holding a baby that cried and cried. Neither of us had slept the night before. I'd been practising controlled crying (that's when you try hard to keep in control, but you can't stop crying). I had to get out of the house.
Being a mum is hard. All of your relationships change. Everyone wants to judge your choices. Breast or bottle? Cloth or disposable? Co-sleep? Attachment? Are you meeting your milestones? Are you losing the weight? Your thoughts are often ruled by anxiety and guilt, yet you can feel euphoric. You have this overwhelming love for and profound protectiveness of this tiny creature. It's a lot to come to terms with.
And it's not cool to be a mum. 'Mummy' when attached to podcasts, blogs, or business ventures carries, at best, a sort of sneering condescension, at worst, a smug irritation at voices people would prefer remained silent. It's hard for a mum to have an opinion without being automatically dismissed as shrill or silly.
Do you know the bone-crushing loneliness that comes sometimes with caring for a newborn? I hadn't showered in two days. Sleep, when I could get it, came in three-hour batches. My body had become a full-time food-production unit for my child. When you saw me, the baby was settled at last. I had that most precious commodity — a moment all to myself.
It would be easier, perhaps, to put my baby into childcare for one day a week. Then I could get some rest, get my freelance work done. But I don't dare to. I'm still haunted by those cartoons you did when I was a teenager. The baby in creche, all alone, staring at the ceiling, wondering why Mummy doesn't love him ('Call her a cruel, ignorant, selfish bitch if you like, but I will defend her'). Do you remember?
If I'm honest, after I got the work admin done, I did flip over to Instagram. I feel guilty about that. But after days