SECRET SAIDS (everything I know)
1. Wize
My next book will guide you to Wisdom.
You are what you wear — a flimsy beige.
Certainty is fickle.
Your dreams will wake you up.
It doesn't matter if you missed life,
it will be on TV eventually.
One can find truth in a bottle, but the light's a bit distorted.
Don't know why you're here? This doesn't matter
because the question is specious.
Books are worth their weight in wood.
The only self-help book I ever read was Sex Manners for Men (1969).
I therefore speak with a boorish authority.
Poets work their ten minute day, feverishly.
Novelists grow their crop over months
and it's harvested in minutes.
Painters expend colour.
Nothing belongs to us all.
I am my hero.
Vary your menu choices
so we all can share.
Investigate within reason. Be nice.
Amuse yourself, then flip about —
be a tough audience.
Money isn't everyone.
People in glass castles enjoy the view.
2. Correct Management of the Teenager
Teenagers can and should be sedated.
Britney’s sister is Gluttony.
Women should be warned —
by the time you know how simple men are,
you’ve already acquired the habit.
Say no to mugs.
... bra cups and an appalling thirst.
Pretend to listen to your mother.
... alone with a bone.
Hair is the window of the brain.
3. Love, the Truth
Love hurts, but it can be cured.
You can't over-floss,
your dental hygiene is foreplay for marriage.
Marriage is a short-term commitment.
She had a warm laugh and cold calculation.
Touch is the frontier of pain.
You are the apple of my worm.
Love is a carriage,
we ride on the boulevard of roads.
Take a chance, it sometimes works out.
Take a chance,
but don't get caught in the taking.
4. All Growed Up
The adult is a difficult career choice.
Courting — dates are dried, sticky things
that are best shipped away
for foreign breakfasts.
Sex would never reach minimum Occupational Health & Safety standards.
Fat is a necklace of chocolate.
I like black panties — you can’t go wrong.
All sizes, all skins — just marvellous!
Show me your panties.
Some people can't dumb down. Fish and wigs.
Thrift is treason.
Position is an unconsciously sexy word,
that almost throwaway provocation
we all seek to copy.
Impossible is best avoided.
I know so very little ... we're all the same,
our holy difference.
I am a desert strawberry.
5. Raisin Family
Childbirth is best forgotten by all involved.
Children are our future, be afraid.
Shut the door.
The challenge is not worth it.
I've met a lot of people and you're all retards.
There is nothing